From Munchkinland

Hello Wiley-

We, the munchkins, are wondering if we can claim Kylie Minogue as one of our own.  She would really be an asset to our tourism department.

Do you think this is possible?

 

Dear Shorties-

Kylie is a pretty pigmy from the land down under.  She clears Yao Ming’s knees, so she can’t be officially classified a munchin.

However, if she and Olivier Martinez have children, you have a strong chance of being able to claim them, Rumpelstiltskin style.  M&M’s (Minogue/Martinez) kids, however, would be taller than Eminem.

   

From Caffeine Fiend

Howdi Wiley-

I’m out here on the range.  There’s this stuff I made called Red Eye Gravy.  It’s grease from frying bacon mixed with coffee.  It keeps us warm and up.

I’ve never tried narcotics before and I want to know if coffee is indeed a drug.

What do you think?

 

Dear Coffee is made from the same plant Cocaine comes from-

Hell yes.  It’s a drug.  You need it.  When you’ve come down from coffee, you’re near suicidal.  You need to take a sip every twenty minutes, or else.

Put the grounds straight up your nose.  That is the best method of delivery.  Those Brokeback Mountain guys didn’t have their coffee and look what happened to them. They started wanting each other’s biscuits and gravy.

Goodness, gracious, don’t ever lay off the coffee.  It’s the best drug out there.

From The Ivory Towers

Dear Wiley-

I just started college and it seems like it’s a fashion show.  People are wearing stilettos and bodices to class.  What is worse is the boys who look like they are wearing long, floral, white women’s shorts and then you take a closer look are wearing board shorts.  It’s an interesting statement.

Then there are those who seem to have a whole wardrobe of sweatshirts, t-shirts and shorts with the school emblem and name on them.  This baffles me the most.  Isn’t it like the same rock tee rule where you shouldn’t wear a shirt of the band you are going to see?

 

Dear Baffled in Academia-

I should have let Ivory Wayans answer this one.

I know why those people only wear school gear, although if I were them, I’d be embarrassed to do it frequently.

The reason is:  they are out of their minds on drugs and need to look down and see where they are.  The school name embroidered on their clothing lets them know they are not at home and to quit drooling because they are in public.

There you have it.  You can just continue feeling sorry for the poor slobs because they don’t express themselves through fashion.  Their need to wear togs representing their institution of higher learning is just a guise similar to having their name written in their underwear.  It beats having to have a chip inserted to the back of their necks in case they get lost.

Go team!

From Shredder

Yo Wiley-

Which is gonna be better- Guitar Hero or Rock Band?

 

Dear Shredder-

I am a little biased on this one.  My roommate makes Guitar Hero.  My friend and I have been in a GH commercial.

However, I read that Nikki Sixx loves RB.  Not R&B, Rockband.  That would be funny though- seeing big hair tight pants man getting groovy with some Barry White.

So, I don’t know.  Go play a real g*dda*n axe, will ya?

From Soy Sucks

Dear Wiley-

i was on this date the other night, and while most of the conversation flowed quite nicely… i let slip something about why i don’t like soy products. big mistake!

i tried to back out of it – to say something frivolous and just let it slide. but my foot was firmly planted in mouth.

he pressed on – was he feigning interest? he said he was genuinely interested. I knew better – i knew that explaining the truth (my truth, at least) would be a bad idea.

I really need to learn how to skirt the issue delicately -to just play it off like nothing was mentioned.

sure it’s ok for me to talk about these things with friends, with people who already know me – we get into interesting exchanges of ideas…

but with people i’m meeting for the first time? never again!

 

Dear No Tofu-

You must keep telling your truth.  If it resonates, he’s worth seeing again.  However if you say you don’t want to talk about it, maybe another time, and he won’t stop- he’s a douche.  He should respect a lady’s boundaries.

If they ask, go for it.  If they are too pushy, simply say:

Hey, what is the max bandwidth on your email, dude?  I’ll send you my dissertation on the subject. 

Or

Dude, I’m taking my foot outta my mouf now and gonna put it up your butt.

But, some guys might like that too much.

Then ask if he’s heard the latest on Jamie Lynn and Brit.  Skirted and skirted.

From Crotch-Whipped

Wiley, my main weasel-

Lately I’ve been doing more of my serious reading- Nylon, Esquire, Interview and the like.

I’ve noticed these respectable publications often show women with their pants unzipped and un-buttoned.  I think we have demystified the crotchal area enough already, with talk of landing strips and what not.  So, what’s the dealio with that haggard Mischa Barton sitting there trying to look like a pre-Bush Fabio-ette on a Harlequin novel?

 

Dear CW-

I, too, noticed this trend.  And let me tell you, it looks a little, well, dumb.  Women posing in men’s undies or in men’s pants with the tops of their thingies exposed.  My theory is that these choices by oh-so hip editors and art directors is to appeal to the gay in all of us. 

Dopey chicks in dude outfits, looking like Bugs Bunny directly after swallowing a rufie.  Is this not the fodder to produce metro-sexual drool?  – which is then harvested and sold for 5 cents an ounce?

We’ll steal copies of these rags instead of the dollar a month they try to make us pay to look at their same, tired adds of the same, tired celebutantes.  No more brave zines actually exposing real people who do something who aren’t mass produced by publicists.

From Positively Palin

Hey W, Baby-

Do you approve of this here veep choice of McCain’s?  Is she able?

 

Dear PP-

Don’t call me Babe, and definitely not Dub-ya.

Palin is the test tube baby created with hair pulled from Obama and a strand yanked from Hillary.

Palin has a few years experience like Obama and has a vagina like Mrs. Rodham-Clinton.  Palin has also ousted nepotism and corruption within the GOP, interesting.

Throw in a blender, whip on high and out comes the Republican answer to our devastating forced Democratic demographic.

Yikes.

Tina Fey: The comedy for the Democrats is that they’re blowing it again. They’re showing off too much. They need to be putting a boring white guy out there to kind of get a hold of things. Once the boring white guy is out there, then you bust out the junior senator from Illinois who smokes and does cocaine.

From 4:90

So Weasely, can I call you Weasely?

I guess we have to cut to the chase and forget all formalities, it is 2008 in the year of the Lord Jesus Christ’s.

I found a credit card and license in a taxi.

I pondered giving it to the driver and leave it up to him to do the with it what he might.

In that instant we came to screeching halt with a thump to follow.

My thoughts ran wild.

How am I going to get to bed in 30 minutes having to hang around a crime scene, did I even seeanything, did anybody see me? But I realized these were the least of my worries, I had spilt Dragonfruit Vitamin Water on my Light Purple Uniqlo shirt.

I am sure you know which Vitamin Water it is, it’s almost purple but has more magenta in it.

Will it come out?

It happened last night, do I need to soak, rise, repeat?

Please help, it’s the best 4.90 I spent on a shirt.

I have received many compliments from gay men and even had fling with attractive dancer last night with Anthony and the Johnsons lulling us into a deep sexual tension.

All because of this 4.90 light purple Uniqlo shirt.

Thanks,

4.90

 

Dear 4.90-

Let me think about it.  I’m trying to build a brand here- around Wiley Weaselle.  Weasley?  Does that do anything for my image.. hmmm.

Was the card a black AmEx with a sparkly smiley face sticker on it?  Did you lick it and see if the edge had any blow residue?  If yes, I know to who it belongs.  Just send it to me and I’ll get it back into the owner’s hands here in LA.

Yes, I do know which formula it is.  It’s the one you drink and it makes you a dragon [-lady, -man].

I say, go with it.  No use crying over spilt Vit-amin H20.  Would Kobe cry?  I think not.  Not all the womanizing charges or near Olympic failure would have him in tears on any billboard hawking this magical elixir.  

I would either:  have Mr. Bryant pay for your shirt to be laundered or say f*ck it.  Go with the spill, not against the spill.  Be zen with it.  Did Bill’s stuff come out of Monica’s blue dress?  I love Bill.  I love that part of him is preserved, and not just Chelsea.  I love her too, and Hill the best.

Now, that is a unique Uniqlo, flaunt it.  Work it.  Does anyone else have one with that particular magenta streak?  Just by looking at it, gays’ minds will go into a tizzy thinking of Magenta and Frankenfurter dancing around in Rocky Horror.  The gays will be trying to buy it off of you now, offering you tons of loot. 

Does the stain resemble anyone?  Hay-zeus?  Madonna?  Kobe?  People who hawk Uniqlo?  like James Ransone or when I knew him was PJ- Pop Jimmy, Purple Hay-zeus?  If so, more loot.

You could tie-die it.  Be a new Bohemian.      You could take a lighter to the stain, age it.  My wonderful old roomie Michael Formika Jones did that once to a wife beater- little burn holes all over.  He used to be Misstress Formika- always hard, easy to clean (unlike your shirt). He is so very gay.  So, I can assure you the gays will love it even more.

Btw, 4:90, wish you were here.  We are doing a behind the scenes shoot with some girls from Click today in downtown LA- video for The Jack Rabbit Collection web site.  vavavavoom

8/30

4:90- here is the video of what you missed.  no music yet.  soon.  See, 4:90, if you listen to a weasel, you can have fun with girls and stop being a fruit fly.

Produced by PaidtobeNice. Music by Geoffrey Inkel.

From Plagued with Coppers/Bobbies

Wiley-

I saw that you have given legal counsel before.  I keep getting pulled over by the same officer almost every day.  I don’t know why.  It’s not even racial profiling.  I’m white.  How do I get him off my back?

 

Dear Plagued-

Next time he’s got you stopped, ask him:

“Why officer, did you pull me over to ask me to the policeman’s ball?”

He’ll say, “We don’t have balls.”

And you smile and drive away.

F*ck da police.  Just kidding, some of them are nice and very helpful.

From Suburban Satanist

Wiley, You Beast-

I am a slightly reformed satanist and wondering what I can do to worship The Devil now that I have toned my ways down.

 

Dear Devil Lova-

You should go to drive throughs and ordering things until you find the perfect combinations of items that total 6.66 or 66.66.  Have you seen that scene in ‘Doom Generation’ where Rose McGowan buys stuff and it adds up to Lord Lucifer’s number and Dustin Nguyen’s head explodes?  I did this at Wendy’s once- with a small frosty, small fries and a spicy chicken sandwich and California state sales tax… 6.66 was achieved.

You should find numbers that are divisible into a never-ending stream of 666- such as 2000 divided by 3.  Get your calculator out.  It is hours of endless fun.

Forget torturing small animals.  Math runs the world.  It might just run hell too.