From Out All Night, Sleep All Day

Wiley-

What do you make of people who are famous for doing nothing except going out?

 

Dear Oan/Sad-

You’ve got to own up to your life.  Some people look like everyone else, but they got the attention of someone who put them out there.

Some of these celebutantes are ok because they actually work- show up at a place, complete a task and get paid.  Some show they have personality, some really are vapid and have none what so ever.  You’ve got to know how to keep yourself and your audience engaged.  Some would never even be looked at if one of their parents wasn’t already famous or they put out so someone would take pics of them.  I give thumbs up to Alexa Chung, not just because she’s a hot (quasi) Asian chick, others a thumbs down.

From Left Coast

Wylster-

So, I was driving down the road and saw this new billboard for that David Duchovny show Californication where he’s smoking a cigarette under water.  How does he do that? 

 

Dear LC-

Maybe Kriss Angel is helping him.  LC, you need to stop believing these things.  Learn photoshop and you will know what makes the world turn.

I knew that Duchovny was a weird one, all with this sex addiction (btw his wife Tea Leoni is hot).  I first knew when working a newsstand in the mid 90’s when I saw Moulder on the cover of British Play Girl wearing nothing but a tea cup on his crotch.

These Hollywood types, that’s how it goeseth with them.

From Why Do People Condescend?

Wiley-

I just hate it when stuck up people ask where I’m from and look down their noses, as if I’m not fit to breathe the air where they are, or I just crawled out from under a rock or something.    I can’t think of a good come back.  Help.

 

Dear Defeated-

Here’s what you say next time they say that:

I came from my mother’s womb, you twat.

Then you throw your plate of h’ordoerves at them and run.  As you exit the door, give them the finger.  Next time you see them, remember you own the place, ok?

From Open Toes

Wiley-

Should men be allowed to wear sandals?  I mean, Jesus wore sandals.

 

Dear OT-

The answer is:  only if they are European.  Those from the continent, especially the South, are allowed.  They already dress funny, so it doesn’t hurt if they wear sandals too. 

On second thought; I guess anyone really.  Male toes should have the freedom to be liberated too.

Viva los foot digits!

From Fashion Man

Wiley-

What do you make of singers who start their own fashion lines?  Seems to be all over the place.

 

Dear F to M-

You are right- Sean John, William Rast, Lamb….

In JT’s case, me thinks the boy may be a tad on the schizo side, as with my beloved GS.  They have “characters” in their lines.  Him, a man, her four little girls.  These ‘others’ are extentions of the patient’s core personality.

It’s an interesting case, I say.

I just saw that LL Cool J has a line of children’s clothes now at your local department store.

From Washington Bound

Wiley-

We’re all wondering- Are you a Democrat or Republican?

 

Dear WB-

I am an independent weasel, as we all know- there are weasels on both sides of the aisle!

Ain’t nobody gonna tie me down, wuh oh, got to keep on running. Ain’t nobody gonna break-a my stride.

From Smitten

Dear Wiley-

I have found that I have a crush on my professor.  What should I do?

 

Dear Dumb-dumb-

Do you want to get your prof fired?  Professing your love will not get you a better grade.  I say you keep your mouth shut until you’ve graduated.  Strap yourself to a chair and watch Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher” about 5000 times. 

Now, your task is to bring back hair metal.  Once your prof sees you on stage in Spandex and is whisked back to his/her youth, watch out.  There will be no stopping him/her from tearing out your extensions and ripping off your synthetic fiber covered bod.

From Crazy Cameron

Wiley-

How many fingers am I holding up?

 

Dear CC-

I am not drunk.  You must be.  Just because I can’t see you through the computer because you did not use a web cam to pose your question, doesn’t mean I’m one of the three blind mise.  I am a weasel, a different kind of rodentia.

If you are American and holding up your middle finger, it will get gnawed off.

If you are a Brit or something and holding up your middle finger along with your index finger, they will get gnawed off.

Whatever fingers you do have up, I now allow you to use them to poke yourself in the eyes.

From Zen Out

Wiley,

I moved to California and decided to get all zen.  I got some Asian friends.  I’m surfing.  I’m feeling one with the elements.  What else is there?

 

Dear Zo-

Having Asian friends, does a zen person does not make.  Having black friends won’t give you rhythm either.  Having French friends will probably make your arteries clog and make you pick up a smoking habit.

To be even more zen, you should follow these few principles.  First, you must shave your head.  To be zen, you must be aerodynamic, like Michael Phelps aerodynamic.  Next, eat only rice.  Rice is brain food.  If you touch one single solitary french fry, you will be declared un-zenned by the zen powers that be.  Next, do it like Danielson, catch a fly with some chopsticks.  Get back to me once you’ve done that.

From Soiled in San Mateo

Hey Wiley-

what should someone do when they forget to jerk off in the morning and have to work with the fever?

 

Dear S&S&M-

If you work for a porn company, then great- you have nothing to worry about. 

For those of us who don’t, it may be tough getting things done in a public restroom.  If anyone walks in on you and hears you- just show them a cup you are filling and tell them you are doing it for a kindly lesbian couple, that they picked you specifically to use to have a child.  If your co-worker asks why you- tell them to shut it and telling anyone would be messing up a great achievement in human evolution- making a baby to be raised by two women to grow up to be nice and sensitive and sensible enough to ask why someone is making strange groaning noises in a public toilet stall.

Do not be ashamed of your actions- you will be among our greatest international treasures- Paul Reubens and George Michael.