From Secret Sports Lover

Hey Wiley-

I have a deep dark secret… I wear all black and lots of eyeliner and paint my nails black and listen to KMFDM and stuff, but I watch March Madness on my computer in my closet so my goth friends don’t find out. How do I deal with this dichotomy in my being?

Dear SSL-

Didn’t you know it’s now cooler to “see basketball players” than it is to see dead people? Get with it man, it’s the modern times, not the 90’s anymore- be what you are and don’t hide it.

You know, Robert Smith, with his bright red lipstick, still wore big cushy basketball sneakers for dunking.

And often Cure concerts and sports matches go on in the same venue, albeit not at the same time, but boy wouldn’t that be interesting?

Anyhow, if it makes you feel any better- you can root for teams that rock the traditional goth combo colors-like CSUN. See here:

Red Red & Black giving Memphis a run for their money, money right now.

Memphis, you look nice too, but ya gotta love a Cinderella.

From Foaming at the Mouth

Wiley,

I get grossed out by Twilight moms. They’re 40 year olds lusting after a supposed 17 year old vampire boy. I understand cougars, but maybe this is a tad vulgar- that they dress up in prom gowns and such… How to handle this odd phenom?

Dear Fatm-

I cannot fathom why these women do this either, except for unstability in their heads.

Perhaps if the next Twilight movie were to be renamed New Poon instead of New Moon…. then only the lesbian Twilight moms might still find it appealing?

 

Can you smell the New Moon?

From Stuck Up in LA

Hey Wiley-

Why is it that people walk around like they have something up their butts in Los Angeles town?

Dear StULA-

I have a dear friend, Bat Dog, who I went to for advice on this question of yours.  Bat Dog is the defender of the citizen’s right to produce Guarana (droppings), fighting government oppression and criminal behavior, just like Bat Man, Bat Girl and even little Robin.

Bat Dog has informed me that the LA City government has a massive conspiracy to keep poop up in its citizens’ bums.  Why? 

Those originally targeted by the LA City government as the test subjects for the conspiracy……da da da dun, no dump.

Because that is more cost effective than up-dating their sewer system.  They must keep 25% of the population constipated, or else the sewers explode and more guarana seeps out into the atmosphere that already floats around in LA. 

It’s the great constipation conspiracy, according to my source, Bat Dog.  California and Los Angeles pretend to be giving assistance, but they are really just stuffing people with bread and cheese, to prevent other substances from escaping, thus preserving the fragile sewer pipes and system that is rotting and rusting away. 

Because a large population loves to gorge on delicious Mexican food in the state and especially in the Southern region, referred to as The Southland, the government must counter the sliding with blocked movement.

Does that answer your question?

Wiley

P.S. Bat Dog has some social unrest shirts he wants me to advertise here.  They are white and have brown letters saying, “Got Guarana?”

anyone who wants one can email me here.

From Wondering About Joaquin

Dear Wiley,

I’ve recently become more concerned about Joanquin Phoenix and his rap star antics. What do you think is really going on?

Dear WAJ-

Phoenix is like his name- rising from the ashes of his successful film career, possibly literally gone up “in smoke”, if you catch my drift.

My other theory is that he is a member of the neo-Amish hip hop cult- The Amish Rap Army or ARA, zombie, zombie, with their guns (muskets) and their bombs (F-bombs)—note the black suit and the bushy beard.  You’ve seen King Pin, right– with Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid.  I heard unofficially that Joaquin is giving a talk called AURA, as in, “Are U in ARA?” – coming to a community college near you soon.

Someone I know, who will remain unnamed, has named his bush Wormquin Phoenix, if you also catch my drift. It’s part of this other film industry that goes on in the ahem, valley.

Or maybe The Irish have hired him to promote their culture of incoherance and stumbling. I can say this, I have Irish citizenship.

Please also see: 50cent video narrating skanty footage of his rival’s baby mama.

From FB

Hi Wiley-

This is Faceboy promoting my new social networking site Faceboob. Think you can join and bring your friends?

Dear FB-

Can I shoot you in your lower digits and get you to hobble around in a foot brace?

What magical elixir will be coming from the teet of your internet venture that would make me sign up? and tell people about it?

Any incentives?