If all humans spent all their time snuzzling, there would be world peace.

http://seasonalsnuzzlers.wordpress.com

I have a deep dark secret… I wear all black and lots of eyeliner and paint my nails black and listen to KMFDM and stuff, but I watch March Madness on my computer in my closet so my goth friends don’t find out. How do I deal with this dichotomy in my being?

Dear SSL-

Didn’t you know it’s now cooler to “see basketball players” than it is to see dead people? Get with it man, it’s the modern times, not the 90′s anymore- be what you are and don’t hide it.

You know, Robert Smith, with his bright red lipstick, still wore big cushy basketball sneakers for dunking.

And often Cure concerts and sports matches go on in the same venue, albeit not at the same time, but boy wouldn’t that be interesting?

Anyhow, if it makes you feel any better- you can root for teams that rock the traditional goth combo colors-like CSUN. See here:

Red Red & Black giving Memphis a run for their money, money right now.

Memphis, you look nice too, but ya gotta love a Cinderella.

I get grossed out by Twilight moms. They’re 40 year olds lusting after a supposed 17 year old vampire boy. I understand cougars, but maybe this is a tad vulgar- that they dress up in prom gowns and such… How to handle this odd phenom?

Dear Fatm-

I cannot fathom why these women do this either, except for unstability in their heads.

Perhaps if the next Twilight movie were to be renamed New Poon instead of New Moon…. then only the lesbian Twilight moms might still find it appealing?

Can you smell the New Moon?

Why is it that people walk around like they have something up their butts in Los Angeles town?

Dear StULA-

I have a dear friend, Bat Dog, who I went to for advice on this question of yours.  Bat Dog is the defender of the citizen’s right to produce Guarana (droppings), fighting government oppression and criminal behavior, just like Bat Man, Bat Girl and even little Robin.

Bat Dog has informed me that the LA City government has a massive conspiracy to keep poop up in its citizens’ bums.  Why? 

Those originally targeted by the LA City government as the test subjects for the conspiracy……da da da dun, no dump.

Because that is more cost effective than up-dating their sewer system.  They must keep 25% of the population constipated, or else the sewers explode and more guarana seeps out into the atmosphere that already floats around in LA. 

It’s the great constipation conspiracy, according to my source, Bat Dog.  California and Los Angeles pretend to be giving assistance, but they are really just stuffing people with bread and cheese, to prevent other substances from escaping, thus preserving the fragile sewer pipes and system that is rotting and rusting away. 

Because a large population loves to gorge on delicious Mexican food in the state and especially in the Southern region, referred to as The Southland, the government must counter the sliding with blocked movement.

Does that answer your question?

Wiley

P.S. Bat Dog has some social unrest shirts he wants me to advertise here.  They are white and have brown letters saying, “Got Guarana?”

anyone who wants one can email me here.

I’ve recently become more concerned about Joanquin Phoenix and his rap star antics. What do you think is really going on?

Dear WAJ-

Phoenix is like his name- rising from the ashes of his successful film career, possibly literally gone up “in smoke”, if you catch my drift.

My other theory is that he is a member of the neo-Amish hip hop cult- The Amish Rap Army or ARA, zombie, zombie, with their guns (muskets) and their bombs (F-bombs)—note the black suit and the bushy beard.  You’ve seen King Pin, right– with Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid.  I heard unofficially that Joaquin is giving a talk called AURA, as in, “Are U in ARA?” – coming to a community college near you soon.

Someone I know, who will remain unnamed, has named his bush Wormquin Phoenix, if you also catch my drift. It’s part of this other film industry that goes on in the ahem, valley.

Or maybe The Irish have hired him to promote their culture of incoherance and stumbling. I can say this, I have Irish citizenship.

Please also see: 50cent video narrating skanty footage of his rival’s baby mama.

This is Faceboy promoting my new social networking site Faceboob. Think you can join and bring your friends?

Dear FB-

Can I shoot you in your lower digits and get you to hobble around in a foot brace?

What magical elixir will be coming from the teet of your internet venture that would make me sign up? and tell people about it?

Any incentives?

I was just reading through some of the world’s strangest laws. Did you know that in the UK, a pregnant woman can pee anywhere she wishes legally? .. but in Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation. Can we find some medium ground? Surely these are human rights abuses.

Hey LB, with a J-

I think there can be. Can’t you imagine a wonderful world where anyone can pee where they like? or are we all going to have to paddle across the pond and purchase those sympathetic pregnancy bellies and strap ‘em on to take a wee? That’s one option. Sometimes you just can’t wait to get to a nasty public toilet, so just carry a pregnant lady disguise with you.

Secondly- the Indonesian thing- they don’t like dead cute kitties. It’s just a cute kitty protection law because everyone knows that everytime you whack off, a cute kitty gets it. Duh.  So, finish all your whacking in another country before you visit the nice sunny beaches and malaria infested jungles of Indonesia.  You wouldn’t want certain things to be on your permanent record, now would you? Permanent Record- a movie with the young Keanu- worth a watch, really is.

Dear M&M-

I suppose anything’s possible.  I do have one called ‘Wiley Goes to Washington’ where weasels are top secret double agents.

How’s your mom? taxes? leprechauns?

Now that VD is over, we can keep up with the other holidaze involving booze and candy, when no one “special” need be involved.

I noticed your last post. I thought I’d bring up that it’s fashion week and that you and Right Said Fred like to talk about the same tag words, so here:

I’m too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love’s going to leave me

I’m too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirt
So sexy it hurts
And I’m too sexy for Milan too sexy for Milan
New York and Japan

And I’m too sexy for your party
Too sexy for your party
No way I’m disco dancing

I’m a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I do my little turn on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my car too sexy for my car
Too sexy by far
And I’m too sexy for my hat
Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that

I’m a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my

‘Cos I’m a model you know what I mean
And I do my little turn on the catwalk
Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah
I shake my little touche on the catwalk

I’m too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat
Poor pussy poor pussy cat
I’m too sexy for my love too sexy for my love
Love’s going to leave me

Wiley, you’re too sexy for the blog world!

Dear RSS-

You flatterer. You get 3 points, a cookie and a medal for this.

So, I saw this flyer when I was walking merrily down the street yesterday. To my surprise, I was enlightened to this kind of feline I had never known before. Is it all hip and trendy to have this kind of pet now- like having one of those bengel cats was so “in” last year? Am I missing something?

Dear BC-

That photo of the “cat” looks a touch like a distant cousin of us weasels- the branch of the family that contracted narcolepsy. Thank goodness I got out of that gene pool.

You see- before Christ, people had all kinds of furry critters about, but since he came around, he forbade us to cavort with every kind of furry pussy out there- or else we’d get banished to hell! We became limited. That is where we are now.

You must have stepped into a time warp and that flyer you saw was really printed on papyrus. Deal with it.