From Wondering About Joaquin

Dear Wiley,

I’ve recently become more concerned about Joanquin Phoenix and his rap star antics. What do you think is really going on?

Dear WAJ-

Phoenix is like his name- rising from the ashes of his successful film career, possibly literally gone up “in smoke”, if you catch my drift.

My other theory is that he is a member of the neo-Amish hip hop cult- The Amish Rap Army or ARA, zombie, zombie, with their guns (muskets) and their bombs (F-bombs)—note the black suit and the bushy beard.  You’ve seen King Pin, right– with Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid.  I heard unofficially that Joaquin is giving a talk called AURA, as in, “Are U in ARA?” – coming to a community college near you soon.

Someone I know, who will remain unnamed, has named his bush Wormquin Phoenix, if you also catch my drift. It’s part of this other film industry that goes on in the ahem, valley.

Or maybe The Irish have hired him to promote their culture of incoherance and stumbling. I can say this, I have Irish citizenship.

Please also see: 50cent video narrating skanty footage of his rival’s baby mama.